trust without borders.

The 4th of July was always a huge deal for me growing up.

I remember how, every year, we'd dress up in our red, white, and blue...there'd be a cookout, usually. Time with the family. Sitting on top of my Grandad's pickup truck to watch the fireworks downtown, and deciding which ones were my favorite.

I haven't had an Independence Day like that in several years now. I don't live at home, and I haven't made my own tradition yet. So I don't really have any excitement or anticipation before this particular holiday.

But this year, the 4th of July holds a special significance for me.

Today, I came home from an 8-day mission trip to Chiapas, Mexico. And today, I realize how different my life has become in such a short amount of time. In the small, poor villages we visited, we loved people. I mean, really loved people. And they loved us back. It was beautiful. And even though I don't speak fluent Spanish, I was Jesus to them. And the same goes for the rest of my team. We may not have seenGod used me in ways that I didn't know were possible, especially considering the place my heart was when we left for the trip.

I was always the proud single girl. I was good at being single. It was what I knew. Being in a relationship was terrifying for me...I suppose at first just because I was afraid of something so unknown, but more than that, I was scared of getting hurt. I had these concrete walls around my heart, protecting me from harm. But as I fell in love, the walls began to crumble, and I was completely and totally vulnerable. And yeah, I got my heart broken.

I got my heart broken two days before leaving for my mission trip.

A broken heart is an interesting thing. The true "heart" is simply a muscle that is used to pump blood throughout the body. It is not the place where the body holds emotions. You don't technically love with your heart. And yet...my chest hurts. Like, my actual heart is in pain. 

This is not a happy time for me, and I refuse to pretend otherwise. I will not make my pain seem insignificant, because it is not. But you'd better believe I'm going to pick myself up and get past this.

At first, I thought, "God, how on earth could this be in your will?? The timing is atrocious. What could I possibly do to benefit anyone on this trip, when I am so broken?" 

Now, I am convinced of his perfect timing. Oooooh, so convinced.

Over the past week, God has shown me many things. First, he showed me that I have people in this world who seriously love me. I have been incredibly blessed with friends who are here for me. They have been so supportive, and have reminded me of who I really am--my identity in a daughter of the Most High. Through these people, God reminded me that I am beautiful. I am lovable. That me being vulnerable is not stupid, but incredible--because I love with my whole heart, with passion and zeal. That quality is a gift. And while I am scared of the pain that loving someone that much might bring, I know that one day my level of love will be matched.

God also reminded me to trust him. I have had the knowledge that I should trust God for a long time now. But it took me being completely broken to realize that I not only should trust God--I must trust him. It's the only way I will ever be able to have hope for the future. 

If I hadn't been broken before this trip, I don't think I would've grasped all of this in the same way. God totally knew what he was doing.

Someone very wise told me, "The future God has planned for you is going to be way better than anything you've ever dreamed. Anything you ever could dream." And I believe that now. I have to. It's the only way I will heal.

I don't know who the partner God has chosen for me is, or even if I will have one. It could be the man I am still in love with. It could be someone I know already. It could be someone I have never even seen before. I have no idea. But I'm okay with that. Because I serve an incredible God. And I trust him. He knows what's best for me--way better than I ever could.

So today, July 4th, 2013, is super significant. Not because of patriotism or fireworks or anything like that. Rather, it's the beginning of a life of trust. Obviously, I will not always trust God at the same level. It is going to ebb and flow, because that is in my nature. But for the first time, I truly believe that my future is going to be spectacular--because my God loves me, and he wants the best for me.

I'm excited to see what it looks like.

And I refuse to live in fear of love.

Thank you, God, for that.