Changing.

If I could have a penny for every time in my life I've heard someone say, "Well, that's just the way I am," I would be a very wealthy woman.

When did we decide that because we "are" a certain way, it's okay to have flaws? That it's okay to go through life making the same mistakes over and over again because we just "can't help it"?????

I am SICK of it. And I am one of these people. I continue to live my life the way I always have because I've always lived that way. And I've been too scared of the world to change myself.

Well, I can tell you right now that I'm ready to change. I'm ready to stop just believing something and start LIVING it. 

I just read a post by a friend, about the reason that non-believers hate Christians. Most Christians seen by the world are judgmental, and condemning. But remember that one verse? ...What was it? ...Oh, yeah. Only the most WELL-KNOWN verse in the entire Bible: 

For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life.

John 3:16

For God so LOVED THE WORLD. God did not send his son into the world to die for EVERY SINGLE PERSON ON THE FACE OF THE PLANET so that Christians could tell the rest of the world that they're going to Hell because God wants them there. MY God is not that kind of monster. MY God wants EVERYONE to spend eternity with Him, whether they've grown up Jewish, Christian, Buddhist, Atheist, or even (HEAVEN FORBID) a radical Muslim. 

I recently received a "joke" email, and I would like to retell it to the best of my ability now:

Three people were sitting next to each other on a plane: a cowboy, a Native American, and a radical Muslim. They began to talk to one another and the Native American told the other two, "Once my people were many. Now we are few." With a sneer the Muslim replied, "Well, once my people were few, but now we are many." With a perfect Southern drawl the cowboy looked at the Muslim and said, "Well, I reckon that's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet. But I'm sure that's a'comin'."

People laugh at this trash. People who are CHRISTIANS laugh at this trash. Whoever said that because someone is Muslim NOW, they will never be accepted into the Kingdom of God? God wants EVERYONE to enter into His kingdom! EVERYONE! Why do Christians forget that?? Why do we stop trying to tell everyone the good news about Christ, and instead tell everyone the bad news about everyone else??? 

That is NOT what Christianity is supposed to be. MY God is Love. MY God is Peace. MY God is the God who sent His son into the world to save it, not to condemn it. 

Every so often, a man stands in the free speech area at SFA and begins shouting about how the world is going to Hell. He speaks lies about women, but more importantly, about the Christ that he proclaims. I honestly can't give you a line that he's said, because I try my hardest to tune him out. All this young man is doing is spreading hate. It's because of people like him, who feel as though because they are Christians they are better than everybody else, that the world hates Christians.

But haven't I done the same thing? Maybe not in such an obvious manner, but in the back of my mind, haven't I condemned people who say they don't believe in Christ? I know I have. I know that when people say, "Oh, I respect religion. I just choose not to believe," I think, "Aw. They're going to spend eternity in Hell."

I don't want to be that person anymore. That's not the person MY GOD wants me to be. He wants me to be a person who shares His love with the world, so that His kingdom may grow. And that's what I'm going to do. 

Christians, start reading your Bible. If you find a place where it says to condemn those who are not like you, let me know where, because I have read the Bible, and I haven't seen it. You might have a funky translation.

Christians, I'm changing. Will you join me?

Happy Th--Nope. Never mind.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and for the first time in my life, I don't feel like giving thanks. 

I know that sounds awful, and I know I have a lot to be thankful for, but I just...can't do it. I don't feel blessed. I feel cheated. Thanksgiving is supposed to be about sharing blessings with your family...sitting down around a table and laughing. 

Your grandmother is supposed to be there to tell you how beautiful you look, and to scold you for not having a boyfriend yet.

Your grandfather is supposed to be there to lead the prayer of thanks for the meal, and to talk politics with you, and try to convince you to go to school at UTPB, so he can see you every day.

And you're supposed to laugh and tell him you're perfectly happy ten hours away, and yes, you voted for Obama, "Thank you very much."

You're not supposed to cry. You're not supposed to have a whole in your heart the size of Canada. You're not supposed to feel sorrow and regret. You're not supposed to feel like your family isn't really your family anymore, because they're all trying to act like everything's normal when IT IS NOT NORMAL. 


You're not supposed to pray that the last five months have just been a terrible nightmare, that you'll wake up and it'll be June 21st again, you'll still have a MawMaw and a Grandad who love you and spoil you and make you see everything good in the world.


You're supposed to be happy, right? Thankful.


I should be thankful. I have a wonderful mother, a loving (if at times crazy) father, a brother, sisters, aunts and uncles, cousins, my Nana, and even a beautiful new niece. 


How can losing two people change everything so much??


Instead of thanking God for what I still have, I'm angry with him for what he took from me. Who he took from me. He must think I'm the most selfish person on the face of the planet. 


The funny thing about grief is, you think you're over it. You go throughout your life, living day by day, and you think you're finally doing okay. And then you hear a song on the radio or you see a television show or you hear windchimes and every single ounce of the sorrow you thought was gone comes crashing back into your heart. 


You'd think I'd die of dehydration, with all the water that's leaked out of my eyes these past few months.


I'm rambling, I know. But I can't talk about it, so I write about it. Nobody has to read my diary...but it's public anyway.


Anyway, the point is, tomorrow will not be Thanksgiving for me. I'll probably pretend, and put a smile on my face and talk about school and tell everyone that I'm perfectly fine being single ("No, I don't think I'll try eHarmony just yet. Thanks, though."), and give everyone hugs and laugh at their bad jokes. Lord knows I'll stuff my face. But it won't be Thanksgiving. 


I don't know if I'll ever have a Thanksgiving again.


Maybe, Lord, you could ease the pain in my heart just a little? Maybe you could change something for me, to let me see that you are good and sovereign and that somehow...somehow...everything is going to be okay?


Life has to go on. And it has. But I wish it could go on........happily.

My Heart in Rhymes

Sometimes, I wish I had the ability to put all of my inner struggles into words. Rhyming words. Because apparently those are cooler or something.

So here is my attempt:

I am always cold.
I am scared of growing old.
I have rehearsal every day.
Sometimes I wonder if my brain is okay.

I am tired of boys.
They treat us like we're toys.
Where is the end to my suffering?
...this video is currently buffering.

*tears*

Isn't stuff like that just beautiful?

Okay. So maybe this whole thing is just me being facetious.
Okay. Not maybe. Definitely.

I just wanted everyone to know, you don't have to rhyme for people to appreciate your thoughts. In fact, sometimes rhyming just for the sake of rhyming really...well...sucks (um. HELLO. the video is buffering?!?).

The truth is, most everything in that "poem" I just wrote is true. Minus the whole "suffering" bit. I mean, I have issues, but the whole teen angst thing is a little overdone. 

So anyway, it was all true. But I wouldn't choose to write it that way. God has gifted me with prose, not poetry, and I wish that some other people would realize the same for themselves. 

Poets, I salute you. But I do not intend to be you.

My heart just can't be found in rhymes.

Things I Can't Believe

I can't believe that I'm in my fifth semester of college, and I get to see beauty like this every day.

I can't believe I'm living ten hours away from my family and I'm surviving.

I can't believe I only see my two best friends in the whole world maybe twice a year.

I can't believe I posted that picture...we can be pretty, too. I promise.

I can't believe the Rangers are finally going to the World Series.

I can't believe my Grandad isn't here to experience this with me.

I can't believe my MawMaw isn't here to blow me kisses anymore.

I can't believe how much I miss them.

I can't believe how much I'm hurting.

...And I can't believe that I have a Savior who died for me and my grandparents, so I can see them again someday.

And the thing is, all these things I can't believe...I do believe. 

Beauty and sadness. Or beauty with sadness.


Whichever.


I can't believe that the world keeps spinning.


I can't believe that life goes on.


...It does.

For Starters

 So apparently, blogging is the new "thing to do." And while I normally brag about my hatred of conformity, I actually think this thing might be good for me. I have a lot of thoughts in my head, ones that really want out of there (I mean, if you were stuck in my head, you'd want out, too), so what better way to do it than post it on the newest internet phenomenon? I could care less if nobody even bothers to read this page...There are things I need to say.

First, I don't plan on trying to make anybody happy on here. I do enough of that in my everyday life. There are so many situations in which I find myself pulled in two or three or eighteen different directions. I have to act a certain way around this group of friends, and then a different way among these friends, etc. I plan on being me. Just Erin. Take it or leave it. No one has a gun up to your head, forcing you to read this (wouldn't that be weird?). 

So here's what's on my mind today:

Beauty. This is always the time of year when I look around and see how beautiful God's creation is. We don't have much of a seasonal change here in Texas, but when the weather ceases to be sweltering, my eyes are able to focus on the beauty around me. There is green in Nacogdoches, and the leaves are starting to change (slightly). When they start to fall to the ground, everything just has a different feeling. It's Autumn--Fall--whatever, and you can both see and feel it. There's no longer the suffocation of summer, and we're not quite into the feeling of desolation that comes with winter. No, this is the perfect season according to all five senses.

There is another kind of beauty, one that I try so hard to capture every single day. I look in the mirror every morning and I see every flaw--every blemish, every stray hair, every extra ounce of weight. I put on makeup, try to smooth my wild hair, and suck in my stomach. And yet, even after all the work, I am dissatisfied.

I envy nature. Leaves and plants have no will of their own. They are simply the way God made them and they are beautiful. Yet I can't let myself be satisfied with the way God made me. How wrong is that? I ought to be content that He thinks I'm beautiful, but I constantly play the "compare game." I compare myself to the world's idea of beauty--size two, blonde, 36D--and I just can't quite measure up.

God's idea of a woman's beauty is completely different. 1 Peter 3:3-4 says:

"Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight."

Now I know what you're thinking. Number one: "Right. Everyone says inner beauty is more important than outer beauty, but they don't really mean it." Some people probably don't mean it. But I guarantee that the people who put more stock in their outward appearance than their inner spirit end up living sad and lonely lives. Proverbs 31:30 says:

"Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised."

How many eighty year old runway models have you seen? Probably none. That's because outward beauty fades with time. We wrinkle, we sag, and there's no amount of plastic surgery that can make you beautiful forever. Inner beauty lasts a lifetime, making it more worthwhile, don't you think?

The second thing you probably noticed about that verse is the whole "gentle and quiet" thing. I'll admit, the first time I studied 1 Peter, I was super offended by this statement. "Wait. So women are supposed to sit down, shut up, and be spineless little slaves, is that it??" But that's not what this means at all! "Gentle" is translated from the Greek word praus which means "humble." This word was used to describe Jesus, too, and He was most definitely not female. And actually, you could probably more accurately translate praus as "power under control." (I didn't just know this off the top of my head, by the way. I've done my research. Haha) Does that sound weak? Absolutely not! It takes a lot of strength to keep power in check. It's easy to just let it go unbridled.

The word for "quiet" is hesychios, which doesn't just concern the act of keeping one's mouth closed. It can also be used to describe a demeanor of peacefulness. So a woman needs to not cause drama. Please, please, let some of the girls I know read this. Gossip is not beautiful! God says so!

I don't know about you, but I want this "unfading beauty" that Peter talks about. Instead of wanting Milo Ventimiglia or Orlando Bloom to think I'm beautiful, I would much rather be beautiful in God's eyes, because HELLO--he's GOD.

So mirror, you can stop trying to tell me lies. My creator sees my beauty as I see the beauty of the sky before a thunderstorm...and in case you didn't know, the sky is gorgeous before a storm.

What does that make me?